Progress Report

Lately I've been a little ashamed that I have not memorized the Word as much as I would like. In my devotional this morning we read Romans 12:21, and I realized that I knew that scripture very well. In fact, it was one of the scriptures that was on my old Hide 'Em In Your Heart VHS when I was little. Long story short, I found the video on YouTube :)

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

There. That's at least one scripture I have memorized. And it fits in so well with this "Soul Detox" devo I have going on. This week, I want to deliberately try to replace all of my toxic thoughts with something GOOD. (Like remembering how precious this video is. So cute.)

So a progress report on 2013:

• I'm doing really well with staying in the Word everyday. I've missed a couple days, but I've gotten caught up and I'm trying to be consistent. SITD is fantastic, and SRT is a blessing. 
• I bought running shoes and started to run regularly! I was doing great until my body decided it would no longer tolerate running. Super bummed. And honestly I haven't gotten motivated to try another exercise... I should get on that. 
• I started School of Ministry. Bible education!
• My small group is an amazing blessing in my life.
• I'm working on a business plan. I'm still really nervous about it so I won't say much, but I'm praying it comes together. 
• I'm watching slightly less television. Slightly. Its a step. 
• I applied for a job and should find out if I got it on Monday.

Not bad!

I think I'm doing pretty well.

Praise the Lord! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Oh look, another memorized scripture!)

New short term goals:

• Eliminate toxic thoughts
• Pray 

Second Chances

My #SheReadsTruth devotional today surprised me. The reading was Genesis 3, which I have read so many times I didn't think there was anything else I could get out of it. I read the scripture and the devotional and thought, "yup, better luck tomorrow." But then as I read through the comments of the hundreds of other women who read the same thing, I realized that they had all taken something from it.

Sidenote: My verse of the day this morning said "...don't think you know it all!"

Oops.

Anyway, I put a little more thought into it and decided to take something away after all.
One of my biggest challenges as a Christian as of late is my struggle to hear the voice of God. Sometimes I think back on the times I did hear God. Especially the times I heard Him tell me to leave a relationship. And then I remember how I had deliberately disobeyed. Am I being punished for my disobedience? Is that why I struggle so much in this area? I may never know. What I do know is that Eve deliberately disobeyed God too. Because she also wanted to make her own decisions. And yes, she was punished. But she was also given a second chance.

Her story didn't end with her disobedience and neither will mine.

Day 2

It's day two of 2013. I am optimistic and hopeful that this will be a year of "fresh starts" and a year of "amazing". But let's not get ahead of ourselves. It's only day two.

On my adventure at 2 A.M. a few nights ago I stumbled across the following blog post:

http://www.naptimediaries.com/2010/11/ugly-crying-in-driveway.html

It wasn't very long and it wasn't very complicated, but I have thought about it everyday since. I have listened to the song everyday since. And I have felt a little less alone in how I've been feeling about God.

"This is how I feel about You and it's not quite right and it's not theologically correct and it is not pretty."

But back to day two. I am already so excited about my fresh start and feeling so motivated that I think I'm trying to change too much too fast. I've done that before and I always burn out. Here are all the changes I would like to make at the start of this new year:

• Read #SheReadsTruth everyday
• Read through the Bible in a year
• Read Streams in the Desert everyday
• Actually keep up with a journal/blog consistantly
• Eat healthier
• Exercise regularly
• Get a job
• Start caring about how I look (maybe; messy buns are just so convenient.)
• Stop wasting away entire days, weeks, and months watching TV

And a few more large scale 2013 goals:

• Finish off my last two college quarters with 4.0's
• Work on my voice and (maybe maybe maybe) start to learn piano
• Come up with a business plan (because what kind of entrepreneurial student has no idea what to do with her life?)
• Start my Bible education
•  Figure out what the heck to do after I graduate...

None of these goals are impossible or two out of reach. There aren't even all that many of them. But realistically I will never keep up with them all. Not all at once anyway.

What can I do today?

Well I've done my devo, written this blog post, and I'll read SITD as soon as I finish.

Then I can eat something healthy (because oh goodness its 1 P.M. and I haven't gotten up yet. SHAME.)

Then I can go buy some running shoes. I don't necessarily have to exercise today, but shoes are definitely a good first step.

I can clean my house and do some grocery shopping instead of watching television today.

I can call the job agency.

I can pick something off my untouched winter break to do list and actually do it. (Ok now we're pushing it. Calm down.)

And if absolutely nothing else gets done today, I think thats ok. It would be somewhere to start. It doesn't look overwhelming. Well maybe the whole house won't get cleaned, but it's still a good start. A little bit everyday. And if everything doesn't get done everyday, maybe that's ok too.

JUST A LITTLE EVERYDAY

The control freak perfectionist inside of me is screaming, but that's ok too. Because she never gets her way anyway. Just a little everyday. 

EDIT: I finished everything I planned to do that day :)

3 A.M.

When you get a text at 2 A.M., it's never good news. Sure enough, a dear friend needed me. After the situation had been dealt with, however, I couldn't get back to sleep. I had been having nagging thoughts about my spiritual life for a long time, but tonight they just weren't going away. I tossed and turned, full of doubt and anxiety. I believe in God, I really do, but nothing in my spiritual life has ever happened the way I thought it was supposed to. I have never had a "moment" where it all came together. It seems like everyone else has had their moment, and I've been in the desert for 21 years. I mean, it hasn't all been that bad, but its never felt quite right either. Something has always felt ...wrong.

Completely discouraged and sick of feeling this way, I grabbed a devotional book (Streams In the Desert) and read the entry for December 29th.

"'Come on!' This command indicates that there is something definite for us to do and that nothing is ours unless we take it."

This was actually a little encouraging, seeing as I am a television addict who spends more time in an alternate reality than in actual reality. How can God work in my life if I'm not actively doing anything? This doesn't account for the years I spent desperately trying to do, but I'm going to let that go for now...

Anyway, I realized it was time to do something. The problem is, I am always so filled with doubt. I have spent so long struggling with "hearing God's voice". It feels like it is tearing my soul to pieces. I will think that I hear God's voice say something, and then soon after hear the same voice say something completely different. That is obviously not God, and it is maddening and terrifying and AWFUL. I feel worthless and full of shame because I cannot figure out where these voices are coming from and I don't want to try to hear God anymore because it is too terrifying to think that I could be listening to myself. In a moment of desperation, I actually Googled "why can't I hear God's voice". I knew most of the things I found on the internet would be garbage, but I looked anyway. I saw an article that went on about how damaging it is to teach that people should be able to hear God's voice, because people will often end up feeling exactly as I do now. I know better than to trust everything I see online, but it still caught my attention. I figured at this point, the only word I could trust was the Word, so I grabbed my YouVersion app on my iPhone and opened it up. I fiddled around on it for awhile before realizing I had absolutely no idea where to begin looking for answers. Its a big book! I decided to browse the reading plans to see if anything looked good and saw "She Reads Truth". Something about it drew me in and I grabbed my laptop to visit their website.

Three and a half hours later, I had poured over the blogs of the She Reads Truth writers' and felt full for the first time in a long time. I feel hopeful, and I don't feel alone. I am no where near ready to give up on my walk with the Lord. There is a reason it has never felt right, and I really do want to continue my journey and finally walk with Him the way I was created to. There was a particular blog post that really helped me understand what my next steps need to be. It said that the problem with the DIY generation is that we think we really can do it all ourselves. I know that's what I've tried to do with my walk with the Lord, and I fail miserably every time. I am going to try to "let go and let God" as they say. It's certainly worth a shot!

This is a great time of year to try to start over. I want to become part of the She Reads Truth community. I am in desperate need of family and accountability. And of God.

Let's see how I do!