3 A.M.

When you get a text at 2 A.M., it's never good news. Sure enough, a dear friend needed me. After the situation had been dealt with, however, I couldn't get back to sleep. I had been having nagging thoughts about my spiritual life for a long time, but tonight they just weren't going away. I tossed and turned, full of doubt and anxiety. I believe in God, I really do, but nothing in my spiritual life has ever happened the way I thought it was supposed to. I have never had a "moment" where it all came together. It seems like everyone else has had their moment, and I've been in the desert for 21 years. I mean, it hasn't all been that bad, but its never felt quite right either. Something has always felt ...wrong.

Completely discouraged and sick of feeling this way, I grabbed a devotional book (Streams In the Desert) and read the entry for December 29th.

"'Come on!' This command indicates that there is something definite for us to do and that nothing is ours unless we take it."

This was actually a little encouraging, seeing as I am a television addict who spends more time in an alternate reality than in actual reality. How can God work in my life if I'm not actively doing anything? This doesn't account for the years I spent desperately trying to do, but I'm going to let that go for now...

Anyway, I realized it was time to do something. The problem is, I am always so filled with doubt. I have spent so long struggling with "hearing God's voice". It feels like it is tearing my soul to pieces. I will think that I hear God's voice say something, and then soon after hear the same voice say something completely different. That is obviously not God, and it is maddening and terrifying and AWFUL. I feel worthless and full of shame because I cannot figure out where these voices are coming from and I don't want to try to hear God anymore because it is too terrifying to think that I could be listening to myself. In a moment of desperation, I actually Googled "why can't I hear God's voice". I knew most of the things I found on the internet would be garbage, but I looked anyway. I saw an article that went on about how damaging it is to teach that people should be able to hear God's voice, because people will often end up feeling exactly as I do now. I know better than to trust everything I see online, but it still caught my attention. I figured at this point, the only word I could trust was the Word, so I grabbed my YouVersion app on my iPhone and opened it up. I fiddled around on it for awhile before realizing I had absolutely no idea where to begin looking for answers. Its a big book! I decided to browse the reading plans to see if anything looked good and saw "She Reads Truth". Something about it drew me in and I grabbed my laptop to visit their website.

Three and a half hours later, I had poured over the blogs of the She Reads Truth writers' and felt full for the first time in a long time. I feel hopeful, and I don't feel alone. I am no where near ready to give up on my walk with the Lord. There is a reason it has never felt right, and I really do want to continue my journey and finally walk with Him the way I was created to. There was a particular blog post that really helped me understand what my next steps need to be. It said that the problem with the DIY generation is that we think we really can do it all ourselves. I know that's what I've tried to do with my walk with the Lord, and I fail miserably every time. I am going to try to "let go and let God" as they say. It's certainly worth a shot!

This is a great time of year to try to start over. I want to become part of the She Reads Truth community. I am in desperate need of family and accountability. And of God.

Let's see how I do!